| 10/12/2006 2:49:00 PM (MySpace) 4/7/2006 1:01:00 AM (MySpace) |
| Hey. I just kind of wanted to jot down some thoughts about where I am in life right now. I feel like I have a couple different major areas that I focus my attention. Kids and their Mom I love my kids. I don’t go crazy over them though. I don’t want to smother them just because I don’t get to see them very much. I am learning not to micro-manage their lives when they’re with me and I try to focus on helping them achieve their goals. It’s a tricky balance though because it’s easy to nitpick and stress on the small things and lose focus of the bigger picture. Kids aren’t perfect, but neither are parents. I’ve gotten called a bad Father my my Ex a lot recently and in front of the kids just today. It’s hard not to let that bother me because I don’t want to be thought of like that, for one. And two, I don’t like the idea of someone impressing that into my kids brains. I’m not saying that it happens but… I still fear it. But that makes it difficult for me to deal with my Ex because I think she can use that to her advantage. She probably knows it too… I don’t know why it bothers me but it just does. I guess it could be because I would never do the same thing to her. When she was working and going to school full-time (that’s not counting all the Bingo she played on her off-days towards the end). I never once thought she was neglecting the kids. She would even confide in me that she thought the kids might grow up and think that they wouldn’t love her. That’s just silly and I told her so at the time. I would never think to kick someone while they were down. I think that’s the main difference between me and her. I wouldn’t do that unless I was sure that I was never going to talk to that person ever again. There’s a lot of things I’ve bitten my tongue on. I’m sure she would want me to “Bring it on” though, just so she could laugh in my face to show how tough she is. But it would make me feel bad. I’m not in the business of tearing people down. I would much rather help build someone up. That’s what I think she doesn’t understand. I’m not a pussy-whipped little bitch. I’m just a nice guy who wants everyone around him to succeed. Go ahead and take my kindness for weakness. I can weather the storm, but there is a point when I have to say enough is enough and just stop trying to help. I am trying to work on building myself up and creating a better future for my kids. I wish I could focus on the kids more but I did that for 3 1/2 years exclusively and I believe I was still a “bad father” in her eyes then as well. I will never win her over, her mind was made up a long time ago. Hopefully the kids are smart enough and I’m still around enough for them to not become jaded by someone else’s opinion of me. Stay Focused, and maintain your State of Mind. Personal Health I’ve lost 70 lbs. in the last 7 months. At my heaviest I was around 290. I’m at 223 as of this moment. OK, 67 lbs. I’m just rounding up cuz… well, just because it feels good to say. 70 lbs! I’m still kinda soft in the middle but I’m just trying to feel good about the weight before I work on definition. I went down seven belt knotches too. Five of those I had to punch out myself. I’m wearing the same pants I wore Seven years ago when I met my Ex. I haven’t really been trying to lose weight, it just happened. I wasn’t eating much after my Family was broken up, (I hear that kind of thing is somewhat normal, lol). When I started working I was walking to work everyday. And I stand at my job for eight hours straight basically. Not too much of a workout but I would try to move and stretch as much as possible to avoid getting stiff. Starting up my Training again helped out a lot I’m sure. And to top it all off, we’ve moved farther from my work so someone gave me a bike to help with my various commutes. It’s a BMX bike too so it’s a lot more work then say, a 10-speed or a Mountain Bike. One month after I started my new job, it was the Thursday before New Year’s Eve, I felt this tingling in my left pelvic area. I tried to stretch it out a little because it felt like the pressure from me standing was starting to pinch a nerve or something. I can’t remember if there was a pop or a sharp pain or maybe neither but I distinctly remember a sort of warm feeling over my left Quadricep. not much more to say about it except it’s been numb ever since. My leg still works fine, I can flex it and I feel pressure when I touch it but it’s numb. I’ve described it before as that feeling you get when you’re leg falls asleep. Once you move it starts tingling like pins and needles as the blood rushes back. Well, I keep waiting for the pins and needles but they never come. My knees are starting to bother me a bit. After the move and a couple weeks of my new relentless schedule I noticed my knees starting to tire on me. It’s not a pain yet, but I can feel them throbbing when I get home, especially the right one. I wanted to buy a knee brace for it but I ran out of moolah from my last paycheck before I remembered. Other than that, I feel great Physically. Mentally I’m doing well, also. I feel a little down on the Emotional scale but I don’t know how to climb out of that right now. It’s not like I’m depressed still. Well, maybe a little, but I think it’s more that I’m just not happy yet. I haven’t gotten to the payout yet. The reward will either be me in a career that I enjoy with a House, Car and all the things I need/want, with my kids by my side succeeding in whatever it is they choose to take on. Or I’ll be in the exact same aforementioned scenario but married to the Woman of my dreams. Relationships is another area of my life that kind of bothers me, or the lack thereof, I should say. But there isn’t anything I can do about that right now. I can’t put my life on hold again just because I want to be with someone all the time. It sucks to be alone. The part that sucks is feeling like I’m wasting time, that if I don’t find someone now then somehow I never will. How’s that song go? “You can’t hurry love. No you just have to wait.” I don’t necessarily want to delve into this right now because, well quite frankly there is nothing to delve into. It’s just not my time right now. Work I like my job. It’s taking it’s toll on my legs and makes me more tired than if I had most other jobs, but it’s rewarding. The odd thing about my job is that nobody there takes a lunch break. They just eat on a 15 minute break, if they want to eat. They do take smoke breaks almost every hour on the hour though. I rarely buy a pack for myself so I hardly ever join them, I just keep on working. I’ve really been bustin my butt and think I deserve a raise but I don’t think I will be there too much longer anyways. I keep telling myself that I’ll look for a new job once I save up for a car but I have $0 saved as of now and I don’t know when/if I’ll be able to afford one. Training This is what I really look forward too. Where I train is really a great place to work out. I love the people there. I think they really like me too. I’ve been a little unsure about some things, especially teaching a class of 10-20 students, but everyone has been respectful and understanding since I’m still trying to get back into the groove of things. My fighting feels great too. I’m as flexible and limber as I used to be, if not, then more. I always feel a little bit of duality though when people see me stretch and gasp because they wouldn’t imagine that I can almost do a full split. My legs may be the size of small tree trunks, but I can can get em up. They’re somewhat quick, and they hurt if I want them to. I’m a lot older and wiser now too so the tactics of fighting are coming a little easier. Plus I don’t mind getting hit by anyone in class anymore so it’s a lot easier to keep that from distracting me. I’ve regained a lot of misplaced confidence. I know some people may think I’m soft or scared for whatever reason but I’m not. I know exactly what I would do in a fight if someone tried to step to me. If I get in a fight I’m going to try to hurt someone. I think I can take a pretty good punch or a kick and I hit pretty hard myself, but I just haven’t had the opportunity to test myself. I’m ready for when the shit hits the fan though… just waiting. I have a tourney coming soon. I’m a little nervous though because it’ll be my first one in years. It’s a pretty big one too. May 5th and the 6th I think. It’s in Portland so I won’t have to travel far, lol. I’ll post pics if I get any. School Not a whole lot to say about school except that I’m back in it. I was lucky to get two relatively easy classes. I have an online math class that covers a lot of Trig though. I’m struggling a little but I have a friend who is a Math major. I think one good tutoring session would help me immensely. When I go to school I leave straight from work. It’s two buses and an odd bike ride that takes me… well I can’t really explain it without going through a lot of detail, but let’s just say that the other day I had to crawl underneath a train with my bike on my way to school. Schedule I feel pretty busy. On Mon and Wed I go to work and go directly to school from there. I get back home around 10:00-10:30 so I’m gone for a good 15 hours or so. My roommates could throw a party in my room and I would be nary the wiser. I’m usually pretty exhausted by the time I get home but I haven’t been able to get my butt to sleep til around one in the morning. On Tues and Thur I come home from work before going to train. I change and usually walk to the bus stop instead of riding my bike. It’s two buses to get there too. Someone usually gives me a ride home after our workout and I get home around 9:30. Then I shower and go to bed. Up until recently I had my kids every other weekend. Which meant I was only free every other weekend. I don’t know what’s gonna happen now. My Ex wanted me to watch them every Friday night for the next 10 weeks since she has school Saturday morning. ***I don’t know why they would let me keep typing if it’s only going to post so much of it anyways. What followed was a conflict with my Ex but it’s really not important. I’m done for tonight. Late. |
