I was starting to question if this was a mistake. Not just in writing again, but by reposting older blogs that I’ve written. There is a lot of old shit in there that just might not be suitable for all audiences. I’m not necessarily ashamed of who I was back then though, nor am I embarrassed to show you. So, I will carry on.
I haven’t written anything new in a bit. Today seems like the best day to do so. It’s been difficult for me to want to find the words for how I feel, and for what I want to say. I’m still struggling to find my voice and paint the picture of who I want to be. Or is it supposed to be who I really am?
“Who am I?” That is the question that I have been wrestling with recently. For quite some time. This is something that I am embarrassed by. Because I should know this at my age. I know what I want, but not how I want to be. And that is something I tend to forget that I can decide, for myself.
I was peer reviewing someone’s work last week, and I commented on how it established clear guidelines on how things should NOT be but did little to elaborate on what should. And I think this is a good analogy for how I’ve approached most of my life. I know exactly who I do not want to be. And I’ve spent a lot of time reacting to this, instead of embracing the idea that I can easily fall into stereotypes I don’t want to be lumped into. It can be hard for me to see myself in other’s eyes, sometimes.
As far as my old blogs go, I will continue to post them. I considered just hiding them, but that goes against what I started out trying to do here. The next one will be tomorrow, and it’s a doozy. And my plan moving forward will be to pick back up, the pen and paper, to pepper in some new blogs.
This year has been very difficult, but this last week(end) has been the roughest. Full of highs and lows, it’s one of those moments that you kind of mark on your mental calendar and come back to revisit and review, at various points in the rest of your life. Kind of pivotal if you will.
I took some new steps in an endeavor I have been wanting to pursue for quite some time. We have some Japanese Maples that have been growing vigorously for the last few years, and they needed some pruning. So, I started my first air-layers on some branches that needed to go. This whole concept of working to form new roots and begin establishing an entirely new tree before it’s even separated, is very interesting to me. In the past, I’ve always just tossed these kinds of things in the yard debris bin.
In addition to the air layers, I took a whole bunch of cuttings that were also going to be discarded and am trying to nurture them into even more tiny trees that can live on their own. I’m not sure if any of these will make it, but I’m sure I’ll mention it here if they do. It’s going to take some time for me to see any results in either.
These next few weeks will hopefully be full of even more updates. Going to use this time, to take care of stuff that has been on the backburner for far too long and to do some things that will take me out of my comfort zone. This tree of my life has a lot of neglected branches that need tending. Some of these can stay dead, but some may be worth trying to establish new roots for.