| 10/14/2006 2:00:00 AM (MySpace) 4/13/2006 (MySpace) |
| I’ve been in a pretty rotten mood recently. I walk down the street or ride the bus just waiting for someone to say something to me. I don’t really worry about pissing people off too much anymore. I feel like I have all this confidence built up, but for what… I’m not talkin about an ego or walkin around talking loud and intimidating people. I just mean confidence in the sense that I think I can remain calm and deal with any Emergency that could come up. Nothing is really happening though. Well, there has been this huge drama at my house that would blow your minds if I ranted about it. But I’ll Blog that later after the investigation is over and the people getting investigated are either punished or let off with nothing. I’m stuck in the middle, trying to do the right thing, trying to lead by example, and getting treated like a Fucking doormat because of it. Like I said though, I’ll tell you about it later. But really it’s just: Work-School, Work-Class, Work-School, Work-Class, Work-Kids. On the weekends I wish I could say I was relaxing but I use those days to finish anything I didn’t have time for in the week. I know what you’re saying, “Quit your whining, everyone has it hard.” I just hate doing this alone. No Girl, no Kids and no Friends to talk to. It’s just Me, Myself and… well that’s it I guess. I have a lot of time to brood and be pissed off. People at work always tell me I look bored. This one guy asks me everyday, “Why are you mad?” I hate work. It’s a repetetive job so once you have a routine down it’s easy to let your mind wander. I stand there all day working but thinking about whatever is pissing me off at the moment. I say No Friends because I feel like they can’t be there for me right now. It’s not like I need them, but it would be nice to be bothered by someone calling me all the time rather than being left alone like you don’t exist and feeling like a pest if you try and “hang out.” All my friends have S.O.’s and they are focusing on that and their own lives, which I cannot fault them for. I’m OK when my Kids are around (as long as I don’t get in a fight with my Ex right before seeing them). But it’s hard to deal with her and I must say that it’s the one thing that really pisses me off the most. She says I’m too sensitive and she may be right. It’s not a bad thing in General but it’s bad when you’re arguing with her. I really don’t know why she hates me so much. I want to still love her but I can’t love someone who hates me so much. Recently I have been an Asshole to her though. I said some things I wish I could take back (only because it was in front of the Kids) but Fuck It. I figure, If she’s gonna call me one anyways then it might as well be for a reason. {Stopped to take a phone call to hear someone bitchin me out for ruining his “game.” Everyone is partying in the background and I can barely hear anything anyone is saying. They seem Happy.} Where was I? Fuck it, let’s move on. I thought that losing some weight, having a job, working out and being responsible would make me feel better. {Recieved another phone call from drunk friends. It’s bothersome because they’re having fun and I’m sitting here all mopey talking to myself on the internet but this is what I was talking about before. It’s better then not getting that call.} I don’t feel worse but I don’t feel better. I just feel dead inside. Like there is no more love or warmth in me. I’m not crying or feeling sad, I just feel “Blah.” And I don’t know what it’s going to take to snap me out of this. When I was growing up I felt unique. Like there was no one in the entire world like me. I thought people could see it too. I thought everyone acted different around me because they knew I was special. I was naive. Right now I just feel so ordinary. Let me rephrase that, I think people feel I’m ordinary. I know I’m elite and have so much to offer, it’s just that I can’t show anyone yet. No one believes that I’m the One. I don’t know exactly what that means yet, but I know I will make a positive impact on someone’s life, somehow. You really don’t know how much pride I had to swallow to bend over backwards for my last girl. I did it only for love too. I didn’t need her roof or food (and that’s about all I got from her). Like a whipped dog I just kept coming back for more. I thought I was being noble. I thought someday she would appreciate me and start to love me and treat me the way any S.O. deserves to be treated (hopefully more). Alas, that wasn’t the case. I did all that for nothing. That’s why “I don’t want to let my guard down.” {Another Phone Call. Goddamn these fuckers are drunk. Hung up on them} {Another call. They’re not even saying anything. They’re just talking to each other and telling me to hold on. *click*} This is stupid anyway’s. WAAAHH! Robert’s lonely. WAAAHH! Don’t worry, I’ll get over it. {Again? I hate drunk people when I’m sober. I’m starting to change my mind about my friends calling to bother me. GRRR…} ======================================= Robert I don’t hate you. How can I, we spent seven years together. I think there are things that we both need to work on in order to be better people towards eachother so that our kids don’t see us fighting all the time. I don’t know what else to really say, except for that. Posted by Sad Girl on April 14, 2006 • Friday at 11:00 PM |
