| 11/17/2005 (MySpace) 10/12/2006 2:19 PM (MySpace) |
| Sometimes I think I talk too much. I don’t necessarily say the wrong thing, it’s more that I say whatever is on my mind. Be it good or bad. That’s the main reason I changed a lot of my blogs to Private. Kind of filtering myself I guess. Too many people know too much about me. I tell the same stories, to the point where I can’t even remember if, “they’ve heard this one before.” I don’t really mind being an open book that much. Sharing is caring, right? But where should I draw the line? I sometimes don’t even think about it. It’s a weakness. I need to be more mindful of what I’m saying though. I think that sometimes I just talk to make people listen to me. My internal monologue is running all the time and so it starts with all the downtime I have. Where I basically talk to myself and formulate what I’m going to say to three or four different people. It’s really horrible. I just need to get away from people every once in a while and meditate, I think… I make it out to sound worse than it is, I think, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about and I want to work on it. Comments: I still feel the same. If I could take a vow of silence, I would. I don’t wanna be a recluse but I don’t wanna be a downer all the time either. If I were able to be more positive, then I know people would be more positive towards me. I know this because I’ve been the way I’ve been for too long and it’s not helping. I keep waiting for someone to notice and try to reach out to help me. But that’s not what’s happening. People either dislike my negative attitude or they ignore me. I’m at this weird point where I know what I need to do, but I’m just unwilling to do it. Nikki said I should be a “facader.” I feel like it’s being fake and being a liar. But that’s not what she meant, I don’t think. Actually, I know, because she told me, “That’s not what I mean.” I need to learn how to embellish the truth. I need to put a nice shiny ribbon on it so it looks like a polished turd. LOL. I’m almost there. I’m getting better but teaching this old dog is harder than it looks. It’s not like a switch that I can just flip. It starts internally. I get comfortable and complacent being depressed and bitter. I have a lot of good things happening right now and I don’t feel like anyone is really excited for me. I need to be excited for myself first. |
