| 11/21/2005 (MySpace) 10/7/2006 5:13 PM (MySpace) |
| I am the only voice I hear inside my head. When I think deep thoughts, they usually center around myself and various people in my life. Sometimes I even think I’m the only person in this world that matters. Like the Earth was put here for me, and me alone. I know that’s naive to think but sometimes I really do. I “used” to think that no matter what I did or didn’t do, everything would work out perfectly. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was going to have to work hard to get what I wanted, but I just always thought there would be “more time.” But that was before my world was flipped upside down, back in September. I had a hard time dealing with it for a while. It still sucks a little right now. Because it made me realize that life is not as Rosey as I once thought. The world does not revolve around me. There is still a long hard road ahead and I’ve been dragging my feet. I can’t make someone else live my life for me. I can’t expect to have the things that I want in life by just waiting for them to happen. I know I can do it though. It really shouldn’t be that hard. I know I have a lot to offer to the world and I’m smart enough to do it. First order of business is Employment. My next job will suck, there is no doubt about that. I just need something close in order to pay some bills and to get back into the flow of things. But I see myself with a good job in six months or less. I should be able to get a car and a place of my own before the Summer is over. Sounds pathetic since I’m 27 but I am starting from scratch here. The next big thing to deal with is Relationships. I’ve never been the type of person that goes on dates. I’m not outgoing enough to ask someone out on one and I’m not charming enough to make it through an entire date. So I don’t know how I’m going to meet someone new. I don’t know if I will ever find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. But that’s just stupid, before my previous relationship, I felt fine. I had no problems being alone. I’m slowly starting to get back to that point. I hate not having someone to talk to about all the little things in life with but I am starting to think that I can actually live life by myself. My goal at the moment is to live like a “Modern Monk.” I’m going to try really hard to quit smoking and drinking. That should be relatively easy since I don’t like doing those things much anymore anyways. I really want to start going to bed at a decent time as well. That’s going to be hard to do without Med. Insurance. I need to figure out how to do it without the help of a sleep-aid though. It’s freaking 6:30 A.M. and I haven’t slept yet. And abstinence is a no-brainer right now. I just need to remember to roll with the punches and try not to force things. I get so worked up over things that don’t matter. My Ex really knows how to push my buttons though and it’s hard not to get mad. That’s an uphill battle though because I’m not very good at being mean and she always seems to have the upper hand when we argue. She recently told me that her new boyfriend is everything I’m not, and that really hurt. I have a feeling it’s someone older, or someone with a good job, or someone who is better looking, and it sort of makes me mad. Because I never felt like I wasn’t “good enough” for her until now. She may be right, but I will get better. I know I am a good person and I know everything is going to be fine, and I kick myself for letting her make me feel like that. But none of that matters now. My main concern is that I can’t get rid of her fully. There are going to be lots and lots of times when we are going to have to deal with each other. There are going to be times when one of us is going to try and start another arguement. I need to try really hard not to get angry in front of the kids. I can keep my cool and would never raise my hand to any woman but it’s the tension and arguing that I don’t want my kids to be around. When I was younger, my parents used to argue. It never got physical either but I remember how I felt when they would get mad at each other in front of me. It made me uncomfortable to be around that and I don’t wish any of what I was feeling on my kids. I think those dysfunctional moments are part of the reason I am the way I am today. I’m better than that. I just don’t know if she’ll let me be. I actually feel pretty good about where I’m headed. I have dreams too. I know they will come to fruition. I just need to believe, and have faith that if I follow a certain path, that everything will work out in the end. ======================================= I know you think I’m this bitch that has no feelings and you think that I played you but It’s nothing like that. I do have feelings and no matter what you think, I do care about you and wish you all the best. I think you are a great guy and I know that you will take care of your children given the opportunity. I have faith that you will reach your goals, you just need to apply yourself. You don’t need a woman to make you happy! Hoping we can still be friends, at least decent to eachother as we will always be involved in eachother’s lives whether we like it or not. Posted by Sad Girl on November 21, 2005 • Monday at 10:32 PM ======================================= I don’t think you’re a Bitch with no feelings. But I do think you act like one to me, and you pretend that you don’t have feelings. I really don’t know why we argue. I get frustrated because I can’t know everything about you like I want to. Oh well. Posted by Robert on November 23, 2005 • Wednesday at 4:50 AM |
