| 10/14/2006 2:31:00 AM (MySpace) 6/14/2006 12:34:00 AM (MySpace) |
| I want people to like me. I really do. Sometimes I get confused about what people expect from me. I don’t really know what I’m here for. I don’t know what purpose I serve to society. I’m more than a drone. I’m more than just your “average joe.” I know that. I also know that there are a lot of people who are just like me. They want better but they just don’t know how. I mean I’ll bolt through that door of opportunity, just show me the door. Where’s the goddamn door? They say opportunity favors the prepared right? Well that’s what I’m going to do until I find that door. I’m on a path of self-improvement. It’s not a straight and narrow path yet, but it’s a lot less windy and scary as it was before. I’ve made huge strides in my life in less than a year. I’m more focused on school. I’m working steadily, full-time and I have a car to show for that. So where’s my cookie, right? I know none of this is all that impressive since just about everyone I know is years beyond that. But let me tell you where I was for the three years prior to that. I was laid off from my job in 2002. I milked unemployment for about a year and a half. I used the excuse of being a “Stay-at-home-Dad” so I could sit on my Fat Ass in front of a PC all night long and sleep during the day while my kids ran around doing god knows what. I only did enough housework to keep my Girl off my back and still blamed her for her bad attitude towards me. I’m not proud to say that but I am proud that I’m not that person anymore. I remember this one conversation I had with a friend of mine about ten years ago. I think we were talking about religion, and I was giving my very near-sighted views on it and I said something that I still believe to this day. I don’t ever want to be scared to learn something new. No matter what it is. Whether it’s a viewpoint or something about myself. It’s true that the only thing you have to fear is the fear itself. There’s lots of things that I worry about but there’s not a lot of things that I’m scared of. And I’m not talking about being scared of physical things that can hurt you either. I know I’m not perfect, like I said, “path of self-improvement.” I’m trying to learn from, not only my mistakes, but others as well. I don’t want to be “that guy.” I want to be better than “that guy.” I’m walking a “double-edged sword” here though. I want to start asserting myself but I don’t want to get blinded by my own ego. I want to be cocky but I don’t want to be a jerk. I think the way I try and achieve this is by being aware of all of my faults and either being OK with them or by trying to change. Maybe I study myself internally too much. Exploring darker emotions. And I think I over analyze social situations too much. But I can really see a lot clearer now and I think I’m starting to realize the score. LOL, I wonder if I’ll look back and even be able to understand what I’m trying to say here. It’s just the way I feel right now. So where was I? Oh yes, I want people to like me. LOL. It’s true but I’m starting to go another route here. I once said on a blog here that I was going to be a little more selfish. I have goals. I want to achieve those goals. I know I have priorities that come before some of those goals but I can still achieve my goals. I’m going to quit beating around the bush and say what I’m really thinking. I don’t think I’m a bad Father. When me and my children’s Mom were together it was a lot easier for us both. It was a lot easier to share the load. If I was cooking dinner then she could give them a bath. If she was doing homework then I would put them to bed. Unfortunately, we’re not together anymore. When I moved out, I knew it was “on me” to get my life together. I’m trying to be the person I started out to be. It’s tougher now because I have kids, but they don’t live with me. We have a set schedule, every other weekend. That’s two weekends a month. I miss my kids just as much as they miss me but that’s the way it is right now. It’s not like I’m leaving them with a friend, or a relative. They are with their Mother. I don’t know why I feel bad about that, but I do. She loves them and I don’t see a problem with handling my business while they are with her. I stopped beating myself up over it months ago, but I still want people to like me, including her. This is the hard part. I still can’t knock down the charred remains of that bridge we both set ablaze, together. I don’t want her to be mad at me but I need to live my life. It’s late and I can’t think of a segue, but I have a Karate Tournament coming up. It’s this weekend June 17th at the Tualitan Hills Park and Athletic Center. It’s all day and about $7 to get in. Kids compete during the day and then Black Belts start competing in Forms/Weapons around 2:00 P.M. Black Belt Sparring will probably start later on, around 5:00-6:00 P.M. I’ll be competing in four events. It should be fun, it’s only my second Tournament since I started training again. If you wanna come down and help support a good cause (a portion of the proceeds go to M.A.A.D., an organization dedicated to helping youths stay Drug-Free) the you should check it out. If you just wanna come and see me kick some ass then let me know ahead of time and I may be able to get the entry fee waived. |
