| 10/14/2006 2:26:00 AM (MySpace) 6/6/2006 11:36:00 PM (MySpace) |
I did the weirdest thing in my class today. Well it started out normal. I was having an especially bad day, still trying to get over a dissappointing weekend. Then two other things happened to me right before I was to leave for class. If I’m being vague, it’s for a reason, but let’s just say that I was not in a very happy place when I left the house.
In case noone has noticed, little things seem to bother me a lot. So I was brooding on the way there and even through most of the class that I teach. I was starting to feel better before the end of class because I got to spar with some of the lower ranks, (I like helping them get better).
But then my class started. I thought I was ready but I fell back into my funk. I muddled my way through half the class then I was asked to go into the center ring and everyone was watching me. I couldn’t keep my state of mind. All of these other things were clouding my mind and I just shut down. My Instructor asked what it takes for me to get ready to go, what it would take to get me back in the mindset I needed to be in for this particular excercise. I can’t turn it on/off like that, it was the day’s events that got me there so I told him it’s an all-day process.
My Instructor asked if I wanted to take a break for a second. My heart was telling me to stay, because I’m the type of person who likes to wallow in the mudhole that is my self-pity til someone helps me out. But my mind told me it was time to go. So I’m sitting there on the sideline, mad at myself for letting my emotional distractions keep me from achieving a goal that I really want to achieve. When it came back around to me I jumped at the chance to get back in there and prove myself. I actually got in there and tore it up too. I’m not usually like that. It was definitely a step in the direction I’m trying to go.
I wish I could be like that in real life. Like I said, I had a bad weekend and it was still bugging me on Tuesday. I’m in this weird place where I feel like I need someone to talk to but I don’t want to be called a complainer/pessimist anymore. Without someone to vent to, it just gets all bottled up and keeps me somber just so “the world will know.” It’s stupid but when you’re in the thick of it it’s hard to see three feet in front of your face. I think I just need to take a break for a second.
My Instructor also told me about this book called Who Moved My Cheese? Sounds like a Kid’s book but it’s not. It’s just a short story about a guy or a couple of guys in college who had to deal with change. I’m not sure if he was trying to help me deal with the changes in my life or that I need to change something about myself. Maybe it’s a little bit of both, I don’t know. I haven’t read the book yet.