| 10/14/2006 2:09 AM 5/21/2006 |
| For reasons I cannot understand, I am a pessimist. I don’t mean to be this way, but I am. No matter what’s going on in my life, I feel like I always “have to” focus on the negative aspects of things. I’ve been told this a couple of times and I’ve seen myself do it. Now I just want to figure out how to change The first thing I asked myself is, “Why?” The answer, I believe is twofold: One reason could be that it’s just easier for me to shirk my responsibilities and blame the struggles and hardships for my lack of happiness, the other reason is simply that I do it for attention. There is a third reason I could think of but I’m not sure if it’s a reason or more of a by-product of the negative nature of my neurosis, more on that later. It’s easy to blame outside forces for the reason you’re off-track or not getting the desired result, but I can’t do that now. I’m trying hard, real hard to put myself in a position to get what I want. And I’m not too bad off right now, so there is no reason for me to complain about the situation I’m currently in. I just don’t know how to talk to people. I can listen real well. I can ask engaging questions and I can remember most things in a one-on-one encounter. But I am just no good at talking. No good at keeping a conversation going. I put undue pressure on myself to come up with the right thing to say and when/if I do think of something witty then it’s usually way too late to just throw it out there. It’s gotten to the point where I can literally stand, in a room full of people having fun, by myself doing and saying absolutely nothing. When people talk to me I usually answer in short responses that don’t exhibit any signs that I’m actually craving to “talk.” I can feel this aura of akward-ness settle in on both sides and they usually walk away, satisfied that the conversation has run its course. That uncomfortable silence in a conversation? That’s me. I dread it and so I just don’t talk sometimes, at all. I’ve gone an entire day without talking to anyone before. I went to work and completed my full-shift, rode two buses to school, spent 3-4 hours in class and then came home and went to bed. I’ve done this a couple of times. It’s weird being left alone with my thoughts like that for that long. It makes me bitter. It makes me irritable to everything and everyone around me. So, I’ve realized it, and I don’t like it, but I’ve gotten comfortable with it. I don’t think it’s like the biggest problem I’m facing right now but if left unchecked I could end up completely alone, for longer than necessary. That third reason I mentioned is a little tougher to explain. It has to do with another part of my personality I’m trying to figure out. And that is my competitive spirit. I hate to lose, I hate it just as much as anyone else does. But I don’t like winning by a lot. I don’t like “Rubbing it in.” You know how when you’re racing a kid who’s a lot younger than you and you kind of slow up a little just so the kid doesn’t feel bad? I kinda do that all the time. I hate cocky people so I sometimes go to the extreme in the opposite direction. If I’m playing Madden with my roommate and I get ahead, then I stop trying to score or even throw a pass play just to give him a chance to come back (it doesn’t happen very often as I usually get crushed in that game). If I’m in an argument and I’m pretty sure I’m right, I’ll concede and let the other person have the last word rather than sit there and butt heads, getting us nowhere. If I’m talking to someone and I say something positive and I feel like their not listening, then I don’t waste my breath and I try to talk or ask questions about them and what they’re up to. I don’t know if I’m going anywhere with that sort of reasoning, but that’s where I think I’m at. The truth of the matter is that I have a lot of things going for me. Lots of things I want to talk about, Lots of things that I may want to possibly share with you. But I just don’t know how to bring these things up in an interesting way. So maybe I’m just waiting for you to ask me the right questions. lol. I’ve adopted a lone-wolf role. Socially segregating myself from the rest of my peers. Waiting for that one person to show true interest in me, unlocking that one thing that I seem to be trying so hard to suppress, enthusiasm. I think recognizing it has helped me start to address it. I just need to remember: “The pessimism doesn’t attract people to me, it does just the opposite.” Comments 10-14-06: I keep forgetting this and then re-realizing it like it’s some new profound revelation. I think being sober is helping me deal with this a lot better. I also keep thinking that I will eventually just change the way I am but it is becoming a slow and drawn out process. Slowly but surely. |
