| 10/12/2006 2:36:00 PM (MySpace) 2/22/2006 (MySpace) |
| It’s been a long time since I’ve put words here. At least it feels like it. I always have ideas for posts but then I second-guess myself and worry about who will read it or how they will take it. I’m probably going to make this a pretty honest post because I feel like I have a lot to get out. I’ll start by addressing my last post, “Trust No Woman.” I know it’s private but that’s only because it’s incomplete. The post is just about my Ex and the girl I was seeing at the time. I had been thinking about them and my feelings concerning relationships and had gotten too drunk before I got on and got it all out. The title is an inside joke between me and my Ex and the post is just some incoherent rambling that means nothing to anyone but me. Doesn’t Owe Robert Anything Nobody owes me anything. I don’t think I was a spoiled child growing up. My parents both had great jobs and I and my siblings had everything we needed. But being the oldest of four meant my parents had to try and split things evenly among us. I started working before I was out of High-School having been on my own, practically ever since. I’m not trying to say that I’ve worked hard to get were I’m at because I haven’t and I’m not anywhere special right now. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say, honestly. I just used to get frustrated when people would make promises to me and then never come through. I’d get told that I was going to get something I really wanted and then it just couldn’t happen for some reason. I could list examples of what I mean but it would sound materialistic. But now its fine, because I am going to try and take people’s words for what they are, just words. I’m guilty of the same thing though, so maybe it’s a karma thing. It’s overwhelming to think about having to deal with life and all the things that go along with it, alone. But that’s the way I have to think. I’m not ready to attract the type of girl I want to marry yet. It’d be nice to have someone who would still love me for who I am now, but I know myself too well. I get tunnel-vision and don’t think about anything else. I also start to feel like the other person is supposed to be there for me in some way or help in some way that no other can. That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone. And the truth is that I still need to grow-up a little if that is an issue for me. Love Includes No Attitude I had dinner with my Ex last Friday. It was nice but a little weird. I think we’re finally moving past where we were and moving into a better place. I got a lot of things out, but it wasn’t all old shit. I think it’s clear that we are both moving on and I think we are both a little more supportive of each other than we were when we were together. It’s hard for me to think about loving anyone more than I thought I loved her. I’m hoping that when I get to that point it’ll be like comparing Apples and Oranges. New Independence Conceived Old Lover Emerges The months following September of 2005 I liken to being reborn. I’m not necessarily a different person… I think this will come out wrong but when I met my Ex and we started a family, my life was put on hold. I was trying to take care of them before I ever really learned how to take care of myself. It wasn’t the right approach but until they build a time-machine I’m going to try not to worry about what I could have done differently. After September, I was awoken. So I’m different than I was before, but I think I’m where I would have been if I hadn’t gone that route. I’ve been playing this nice-guy routine to a fault and I don’t know how to break the cycle. I try to be a little selfish sometimes but it makes me feel just that, selfish. I don’t like feeling that way. “No one else can live my life, and I can’t live anyone else’s for them.” For some reason that sentence makes me feel lonely. I like thinking about how I can help make someone’s life easier. Even if I don’t get so much as a “Thank You” it’s still satisfying to lend a helping hand whenever needed. But there are times when it makes me tired and I feel unappreciated. OK… no more whining. I know I’m not the only person in the world that feels unappreciated. But that’s what I guess I’m trying to get at. I’m going to start appreciating myself. Err… That doesn’t sound right. Anyways, I think you know what I’m saying. Enough about that old stuff though. I started training again. Everyone has been real nice and the guy who runs the place has really made me feel comfortable while I try to get back into the swing of things. I may have gotten too excited though because for the last two classes I’ve pushed my limits and really made myself sore. I think it may take me a little longer than I thought to get back into tournament shape. There was a tourney in Hillsboro over the weekend but I missed it. I was spending my time with more important people doing more important things. I tried talking to my kids to see how they felt about taking up classes with me. They sounded receptive, especially my son. I need to go in early one night and see what the kid’s class is like. I used to want to make a career out of training. Whether it was by competing and getting sponsored, or teaching and eventually starting my own school, I don’t know. I don’t know what the future holds for me in this area of my life, but it’s starting to become more of a serious hobby than a way of life as it was before. I haven’t been feeling too well recently. My body feels as though it’s falling apart. I’m not a weak person and I’ve had to deal with pain on many occasions but it’s been hard for me for the last three months. I get Medical from my work at the end of this month so that’s something I’m really looking forward to. Other than that I feel oddly complete for the most part. I’m not where I’d like to be but I think I’m right where I should be. Some pieces to this jigsaw puzzle I call a life have finally fell into place. This may be somewhat brazen of me to say but I’m not sure what else I can learn from this life. I feel like I’ve gone through all of the hard parts. Well… most of them anyways. I’m think I’m honestly just killing time from here on out, at least for a while. I have somewhat of a makeshift plan for the next seven years. The first three are all about school. The type of career I want is going to require me to start building a portfolio. It’s super-competitive in the field I’m trying to get into so it’s going to take everything I have. Unfortunately I probably won’t be able to have a serious relationship because of time constraints and due to the fact that I want to spoil someone and I just can’t afford to right now, (someday though). After I graduate I want spend at least four years starting my career and possibly looking for Miss Right. By that time my daughter will be 13 and my son will be 11. Seven more years until my son is 18. I wont say what I’m thinking here because it’s way too premature but I’m thinking about fairness and what would be best for everyone. I really should go now. I called in sick to work because I’ve had stomach pains for the last four days now. “It’s not a tumor.” |
